I've been wanting to get my thoughts down on this for a few weeks, but it definitely needed some "settling" in my brain first. Our church was one of 500+ churches in the US and Canada (though the only one in our area) to sponsor Focus on the Family's Focus on Marriage Simulcast on February 28th. Philip and I attended the seminar, and I am so grateful that we did.
In preparation for the day's events, I expected to come away with new tips and techniques for improving our communication and marriage. There was SO much more, however, and the "meat" of it really sticks to my heart even now, three weeks later. Philip and I both took pages of notes (him more than me - crazy!), and I'm going to put down here a few of the things I especially want to remember and share.
This was the first marriage simulcast done by Focus on the Family, and I believe it was a large success. The stats reported for that day involved over 500 churches and included over 70,000 attendees. Even still, I was shocked to see the Family Life Center in our church not at full capacity as I had expected. In fact, I only spotted about ten couples from our own church, and in asking the coordinators during the lunch break, I learned that the 50 or so other couples were from other churches around the area - we were 1 of only 4 churches in Nebraska participating in the simulcast. Knowing that information, I was then saddened that so very few of our own congregation chose to or were able to attend. I do hope that FotF makes this a yearly event, and that attendance rises each year... and I hope we're able to make it each time!
There were five guest speakers for the day - four men and one woman. At first, I thought that was an "off" ratio, but as the day went on, I felt different. Now, this is only my personal opinion, but I feel comfortable in it: for the most part, it is usually like pulling teeth to get a man to go/come to a "marriage seminar" or anything where he might be encouraged to share his feelings. (It should be noted, though, that Philip was extremely excited about this seminar beforehand; in fact, he's the one that encouraged me to sign up for the event.) So, since you've finally managed to get all these men there, you definitely want to give them something they can relate to, something they can really hear. Having four male speakers seemed to be just the ticket, and I'm so thankful for the perfect set-up of the day.
The first speaker was Gary Thomas: "Seeing Your Marriage Through the Eyes of God." My notes:
- what if God designed marriage to make us holy, moreso than happy? The Bible tells us many times that the purpose of marriage is to bring one another closer to God. (Myself, I often fall into the trap of thinking the purpose of marriage is to make each other happy. That's not to say that we shouldn't also feel happy and comfortable in our marriage, but it is simple human thinking to believe that something as divine as marriage is designed "just" to make us happy.)
- James 3:2 - "We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check." (That describes me, I know. I stumble/mess up all the time. I'm not perfect, and I know this. Why have I ever wanted and expected Philip to be perfect, then? Why is it not okay in my mind and my heart that he has made a mistake? He forgives me for mine - why do I have such trouble forgiving him?)
- one of the great challenges is not the lack of "how-to" in a marriage, but the "heart-to" (It's not that I haven't heard and read the "how-to" tips for a great marriage - I have. But I so often become lazy, and I don't stick with it. In this example, I certainly stumble and usually lose sight of the "heart-to." I need help in this area specifically to keep my marriage God-centered.)
- preserving the "heart-to"
---- 1) discover the purpose of marriage. Marriage isn't about being young together; it's about growing old together.
---- 2) become a God-centered spouse. Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." 2 Corinthians 7:1 - "Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."
- meditate on marriage with God as your father-in-law. God thinks of us as His children, and He loves us as such. We should remember that our spouses are loved by Him and try our hardest to care for them as He would want us to. (This was such an awesome - though painful - moment for me. Thomas said, "if I were ever to even consider divorce, I can't imagine that I could face God at my judgment. How could I say to Him, knowing He is Her Father, 'Your daughter - the one you provided me with to love and cherish? Yeah, she wasn't good enough for me.' I couldn't! I could never! In fact, even though marriage is SO hard, and even though I stumble SO much... I know that if God were to grant me the gift of one thousand lifetimes, I would humbly ask Him if I could be married in each one. And... ? Even if it were greedy and much too much to ask, I would also beg Him, 'Please let Lisa be my wife in every lifetime.'")
I cried a few times during his message, but his ending words felt as if they splintered my heart. My initial heart's cry, "Why couldn't Philip have felt this way?! Why am I not as special to him as Gary's Lisa is to him in their marriage?" And oh, I was devastated. For half a minute, I sobbed, and the tears racked my body. But Philip's arm was strong around my shoulders, and do you know? He was sobbing, too. He might've been crying because he felt pain at my pain, or he might've shed tears because he felt pain in his guilt... but feeling him cry punched me in the gut. It caused me to humble myself - right there in that moment - before God, and my next thought was, "Oh, God. I haven't loved him as Your son, either. If I had, I would've been so much more kind, so much easier to forgive. I wouldn't withhold my trust from him and shelter it in my own heart just because he has wronged me. I would continue to love him, to have faith in him, and to trust him... because it's what You've done for me every time I have stumbled as well."
(** As I mentioned, Philip has notes as well, and more extensive ones than mine. If you're interested in his, just leave a comment with the speaker's name below, and I'll type them in for you.)
The second speaker was Beth Moore: "The Bride of Christ - How Your Marriage Should Reflect Christ and His Church." My notes:
- Ephesians 5:21-33 - "21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30for we are members of his body. 31For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
- if we, as women, could fully grasp the responsibility that a man has as head of the marriage, the family, and the household... WE WOULDN'T WANT IT! We often think that we want to be in charge - sometimes, we even take over. But if we could really know, really see all that God holds a man to as head of the household, if we could anticipate the judgment that God will bring upon a man when his family fails... we would revere and respect our husbands for the mighty role they are handed. Even if, deep down, we feel as though we could do a better job sometimes, we are "wired" to want a man to care for us, to meet our needs, and to provide stability for our family and children. If we could fully see the awesome job set before a man, we wouldn't be trying to upstage him as the head; rather, we would learn more quickly "to duck and cover, when God reaches down and smacks him upside the head!" (Though I very much want to be "in control" of the family, what Beth has said here really resonates with me. So many people see those scriptures as only saying, 'Wives, when your husband wants sex, you have to give it to him.' But that's not it at all! We are called to submit and RESPECT our husbands... and how am I doing that if I'm trying to make myself more important than him in the hierarchy? Truth be told, I want not just a guy, but a MAN to care for me, to be an example to my boys, to treat me the way a WOMAN wants to be treated. For Philip to fully assume that role, however, I need to stop "mothering" him and treating him as I do the boys. I need to respect him as my MAN, and I should submit to him as my husband. We will discuss things concerning the family together, of course, but he should be making the final decisions for our well-being - not me. And I'm okay with that... because the Bible assures me that if he messes up in his responsibility, HE will be the one that has to answer for it, not me! What a relief that can be, if I only I remember not to overstep his "job!")
- sometimes because we can't get what we want, we don't appreciate what we have. (Holy cow, isn't that true?!)
- passive/aggressive men don't always give warnings before they've had enough. (Women, this is cautionary, and we need to be on the lookout.)
- and the most meaningful line from Beth: "Good can be GOOD." (I paused after she said this, letting it sink in. 'Good can be GOOD.' It can? But what about great? What about fantastic? Isn't good just... good? Oh, no. 'Good can be GOOD!' So often recently, I've found myself wishing, wanting, waiting. For what? Philip's doing everything right in our reconciliation. He's working at it, he's being fully transparent and openly honest, he's meeting my needs, he's comforting me in my pain, he's helping me to heal... things have been good. "But," I kept thinking to myself, "things aren't GREAT. They're not the BEST THEY'VE EVER BEEN. They're not FANTASTIC. There aren't fireworks and flowers and fountains following us wherever we go, and people aren't remarking about what an awesome couple we are and have far we've come..." But you know what? Things will never be perfect. They never will be for any marriage relationship, and anyone who tries to tell you so is lying about their own marriage. Why should I want our marriage to be such an example anyway? Honestly, no one else cares about OUR marriage anyhow - only us, because we are invested in it, and because it is OURS. People only care deeply about their OWN. "To each, their own," and all that jazz. Why does it matter to me what other people think about our marriage? It shouldn't, and here's the thing: we are GOOD right now. GOOD. And you know what? 'Good can be GOOD.')
It sounds so simple, and it made me smile, both on my face, and in my heart.
The remaining three speakers were so engaging, so powerful, I didn't even have time to glance at my paper, much less take notes. That's wondrous in itself, but their messages were so, SO much more. Del Tackett spoke of "The Divine Source of Marriage," speaking largely on creation and God's blueprints for men and women. Gary Smalley was hilarious and spoke of "The Value of Connecting to the Father." He used several props, and his personal stories had all of us in stitches! He also talked really, really fast! Lastly, John Trent presented a simple concept in "Small Changes, Big Results." He posited that we can do so much more in trying to tackle a huge problem by implementing small changes to solve the issue. Much like turning the wheel in small, 2° increments to correct driving off the road, rather than jerking the wheel 180° and causing an even larger wreck of our lives.
** For the remaining speakers, if you are interested, leave me a comment below with the speaker's name, and I'll take a few moments to type up Philip's notes (he has several for each of the last three men, whereas I didn't write anything down).
We enjoyed lunch tucked away in a corner of the Narthex with Bill and Nancy Pierce, our Stephen Ministers, Kirstin and Mark Schenck (I've known Kirstin for years through Parents-at-Home), and another couple we were just meeting (whose names I've forgotten!). For that hour's break, it was so uplifting and inspiring to chat closely with couple with so much more marriage experience. Bill and Nancy had been married 43 years, Kirstin and Mark for 17 years, the other couple for 31 years, and then Philip and I for 10 years. Some of the candid insight was simply... amazing. :-)
When the seminar ended in late afternoon (the event had been about eight hours total), we headed home. Philip and I took a nap together, and then he headed to work for a few hours while I made dinner and readied the boys for bed. When he came home, we both tucked into bed early, feeling physically exhausted from the emotionally-charged day. We talked over several key points of the presentations, and then practically fell asleep talking - it was only just barely 10pm. The next morning, I almost didn't hear my alarm at 10am... we slept solidly for 12 hours! We scurried to get ready, and made it to church on Sunday at exactly 11am. It was a weekend of powerful connection, and we are even now still discussing things from the seminar. I know that we are so blessed to have been able to attend.
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I definitely want all the notes you can type! Are there audio or video recordings available because I'm interested!
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